I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
