woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
