Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The best revenge is premature balding
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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