just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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