I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
