This is not my ceiling
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
