The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
