He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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