the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
