I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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