Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
