does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
