Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
