i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
