FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
