i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
