I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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