Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
