Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
