the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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