So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
