Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
