i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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