I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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