I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
