I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
