Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
