Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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