i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
