Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
