Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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