Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
