I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
