There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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