So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
