You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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