Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
dude i'm inner monologue high
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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