i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
