I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
