I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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