I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
