Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
