we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
