I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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