last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My penis needs a shock collar
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
