i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
