Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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