My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
