you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
