I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
