Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just had sex on a roof
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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