you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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